What You Should Know About Sex

A dozen experts share advice they give out to their patients. Couples worried about 'mismatched' libidos. People struggling to orgasm. Lovers wondering if they're having a 'normal' amount of sex. Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again. The NY Times asked many of these therapists what they wished more people knew about sex and intimacy. Here are the recommendations:

1. Comparison is the thief of sexual joy.

   The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, even though it is something people get really hung up on. It doesn't tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they're having, she added. Let go of the numbers game and instead focus on the experience. Many couples who feel deeply connected and who have sex maybe a few times a year.

2. Update your definition of 'sex'.

   The tendency to think of sex as an action. Reframing it as somewhere you go instead of something you 'do' can be helpful. Asking what you want to experience or how you want to connect with your partner can be helpful. Acknowledging that a joint orgasm isn't the only destination during sex can help couples become unstuck, says Esther Perel, a popular sex therapist. Another popular sex therapist recommends not following a menu. The types of sex on the menu have been influenced by media, sex education classes and what we pick up socially. She encourages her sex therapy clients to create a more flavorful, personalized menu - to say for yourself what their yeses are, what their no's are, and what they might want to try some time. Pleasure is what should be the main course. Sex is not supposed to be painful, ever. Orgasms should be optional, but pleasure should always be the goal.

3. Desire comes in a range.

   Sexual desire, as it is portrayed in TV, movies and pornography, is invariably spontaneous - an overwhelming urge to have sex. But there is another equally valid type of desire, know as responsive desire. It emerges in response to deliberate pleasure or erotic stimuli. People who tend to experience responsive desire should feel reassured that ther eis nothing wrong with them. People are not 'broken', they might simply need to put in a bit more work to understand what kind of erotic stimulation helps them feel open to the possibility of intimacy, like touch, for example. Couples also need to let go of the expectation that they should be aligned in how and when they experience desire. Desire discrepancy is the norm rather than the expectation.

4. Never overlook the clitoris.

   The clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm, and the vast majority of the sensitive nerve endings that contribute to pleasure are located on the surface of the vulva, not inside the vagina. Most intercourse positions don't provide a lot of clitoral stimulation, which is a major contributor to the pleasure gap among heterosexual couples. In taking a more clitoral approach to sex, activities that are typically thought of as foreplay, like manual and oral stimulation, are not just a precursor to something else. They can be the main event.

5. Men are not light switches.

   There are many cliches about male sexuality, among them that all men think about sex constantly, and that all it takes is a breeze for a male to get an erection. What experts point out is that the truth is male sexuality is as complex and variable as female sexuality. Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 issue seen by many experts and men are just as likely to be the low-desire partner as women. Men often report feel a lot of shame or embarrassment that they are supposed to initiate sex more often than they do. Men are not light switches that can be turned on and off.

6. Make time for intimacy.

   Putting sex on the calendar is a well-worn sex therapy advice, but it can sometimes backfire. The pressure of having to keep a sexual appointment can actually decrease sexual desire. Rather than putting it on your calendar, schedule an activity that opens the door for intimacy. What that means will vary from couple to couple. Perhaps it is a date night, or get into bed a bit earlier than usual and see what happens. Make a pact that there are no phones in bed on the weekends, or ever, and that you have to snuggle before falling asleep. It's different than saying 'ok - tonight we are having sex'. It is not long before someone starts dreading or avoiding it altogether.

7. It's possible to overthink good sex.

   Many people tend to think that they must talk about sex all the time. Sex is something that involves the bodies and experiences. It involves the somatic, so sometimes you have to let your bodies connect and 'talk' for you. Sex should momentarily rob you of your intelligence. It should make you feel a bit selfish and maybe even regress a bit. Good sex makes you dumber and great sex makes you really, really stupid. Experiences, rather than over analyzing should be the key.